Epic: An extended narrative poem in elevated or dignified language, celebrating the feats of a legendary hero.
Beep Boop BEER BEER Boop BeeeeepSunday, October 01, 2006, 12:01 pm
This is pretty self explanatory. Some of our nation's most brilliant engineering minds have teamed up to make a ... bartending robot. Really though, this is good news. Now we dont have to wait until the year 3000 to get a nice blend of robot and hard liquor. Bender would be proud.
"I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much."Wednesday, September 20, 2006, 10:48 am
Without beer and alcoholic beverages life would be pretty boring. Think about it. How often do the best stories begin with, "Ok, so I was pretty fucked up..." Case in point, Zhang Xinyan. Like anyone attending a zoo, Zhang just wanted to pet a giant panda, but, unlike everyone else, Zhang was four jugs of beer deep. Those four jugs gave the Chinese man the courage to live the true American dream: hugging a real, live panda. Yes, he was bitten on both legs after rousing the sleeping bear. But that merely meant the realization of another dream: biting a bear. Zhang did precisely that, chomping on the Panda's back. Zhang is my hero. And it's not just because he's an alcoholic panda petter. It's because he has has a story that begins, "Oh, those scars? So, I was pretty fucked up and there was this panda..."
[Gu Gu the panda is in shock]
Drink 'til you can writeTuesday, September 19, 2006, 08:50 am
In order to write a great country western song (according to one singing legend) you're obligated to mention a majority of the following: trucks, momma, trains, prison and being drunk. Really, all great songs have their roots in simply being drunk ... or the desperate need to get drunk (all those songs you thought were about love? Nope, just about beer.) To prove my point, take a couple of key points out of this story, and you'll undoubtedly have a soulful hit on your hands in no time:
Well, I tried to steal a couple beers in Guerneville, Caliiiii.
Ended up wet and naked in the Russian River, Naturallyyyyy
But before I could get to the other side, and avoid the CHPeeeee
Got caught in a vortex, then caught by the local deputiiieeees
Yessiree.
[Naked Liquor Thief Caught in Vortex]
Sheck Please!Wednesday, September 13, 2006, 06:34 pm
Nothing's worse than expecting something sweet and then getting the
opposite. Like when you take a big swig of what you think is root beer,
and it turns out to be milk? Terrible. Albeit this isn't a very common
occurrence (it happened to me once in 3rd grade), it proves a point:
unwelcomed surprises are unwelcomed. (Well, that, and something about how the dairy industry's 'does a body good' campaign was so effective that it forced my mom pull a fast one on me.) The same applies for websites.
When you're promised something incredibly helpful and cool, it's a pain
in the ass to get the opposite. See what i mean...
Big Dangerous Bouncers are Big, DangerousFriday, August 25, 2006, 08:47 am
Mayor "Money Bags" Bloomberg has signed a bill that should put some New Yorkers' minds at ease. If effective, it will ensure that nightclub bouncers aren't also moonlighting as murderous criminals. Under the new law, nightlife venue owners must make sure their doormen undergo background checks and training, under penalty of law. Bloomberg said, "If cabarets fail to comply, their cabaret licenses will be in jeopardy." The mayor then proceeded to take his 1920's lingo and board his autogiro, which, according to experts, can travel up to eight aeronautical miles on a single quart of corn oil.
The new law comes as a response to the grisly murder of Imette St. Guillen, in which a bouncer is the top suspect. While many cheered the new precautions, which the general public sees as long overdue, others were not so happy. Brian "Bone Saw" Bronson, a doorman and Gulf War veteran noted, "This makes Bone Saw very angry. Bone Sawwww!!!" He added, "We're at capacity. No entry."
The new law merely adds to preexisting bouncer requirements which include:
Sir, there's something technologically advanced in my drinkWednesday, August 23, 2006, 01:33 pm
Are you upset when your drink doesn't have enough alcohol to make you blind? Have you always wanted to call out a bartender for making you a weak drink, and you know it, because you are an alcoholic? Well, then this device is for you: a portable alcohol tester. Just slip it in your drink and little color-coded rings will reveal the alcohol content of the beverage. If you are ready to accept the odd looks that come with sticking some crazy beeping/blinking thing in your libation of choice, then you're all set. Just have a witty response ready for when someone asks if you are a Martian/Conehead/Asshole. The cheaper version, an electronic thermometer combined with belligerence, is also available.
Teacher, why do you make God cry?Friday, August 18, 2006, 04:14 pm
In case you were wondering, the fine for being a middle school teacher, drinking on the job and then lying about it is thirty dollars. Maybe Cynthia B. White could have gotten it down to a Hamilton if she had accepted a plea bargain. The 19-year veteran had been reported to school officials after behaving strangely. Though the school district is keeping mum on what this behavior was, here are our top five guesses:
The Atari GenerationSaturday, August 05, 2006, 07:40 pm
Let's be honest, the true off-the-radar bar is tough to come by. Good local bars become too popular, good crowds move around quickly, and anything really underground should remain hush-hush. Well, we're going to share a secret with you. The underground bar does exist and it exists with a bunch of old school arcade games. Now giving you directions to this joint in K-Town would kind of be too easy. If you're too lazy to try and find it for yourself, you suck. But if you really want to go, head down Western and look for a gorilla. Then light up, walk in and treat yourself to some quality time with Ms. Pac Man. [Barcade]
American fun for American PeopleMonday, June 05, 2006, 07:32 pm
People disagree on what makes a good club. I say you're not rolling deep unless you've got ham, turkey, bacon and swiss. Others insist that you've gotta have roast beef on there to have a truly rocking sandwich. Really, that's all just semantics. The bottom line is, when it comes to hitting a city in style, it is always a good idea to bring a really sloppy sandwich along. Take one to a happening nightclub so you can impress the doorman with your eating abilities. Once he sees you take a bite of an absurdly large, steaming mass of meat, bread and cheese, he'll let you slide right past that velvet rope. This is a little known secret of getting into a hotspot without the typical hassle. Seriously, it worked at both Cabana Club in Los Angeles and Marquee in New York. I mean, you may have to offer up a bite in exchange for VIP treatment, but it's a small price to pay for not having to wait in line. If you can't afford an awe-inspiring 'wich, you might be forced to contend with the crowds clamoring for entrance to these two spots. And then you'll have to pay a bunch at the door anyway.
Both Marquee and Cabana Club exemplify the pseudo A-List experience. Despite the fact that they may not be the temples of cool they were when they first opened, they're still guaranteed to pack a high ratio of striped shirts, bare midriffs and expensive drinks. Which, of course, are all prerequisites for a super-duper happy fun American club experience. With a sandwich in one hand and a dictaphone in the other, OTD reviewed these two nightclubs: Marquee and Cabana Club. Oh, and don't forget to go with Beaver's Brown Deli Mustard on your sandwich; that shows that you are really part of the in crowd.
OTD OnTheRedCarpetSaturday, May 27, 2006, 09:56 pm
At Red Carpet arrivals you are supposed to ask celebrities things like, "Who are you wearing?" and "What was it like to star in a movie with that guy over there?" Super boring. At the premiere of TV Set, OntheDrink was ready to pepper David Duchovny, Sigourney Weaver and the film's other stars with some hard-hitting Barbara Walters-style questions. We wanted to make them cry. However, this being our first time, we weren't familiar with the concept of "PR." Apparently, it's these celebrity wranglers' job to keep their clients from answering anything important. That's ok though, I didn't care that much whether Sigourney Weaver had a reasonable exit strategy for Iraq.
Still, we got some pretty good stuff. So good, in fact, that a Fox News correspondent tried to steal our scoop. For some reason, the actors seemed more willing to shoot the shit with a couple of goofy website guys than with Blondie from Fox. She was jealous. That's understandable. After all, she didn't get to find out what David Duchovny's favorite drink was.
Click here to check out our first hard-hitting feature.
Proof-Positive that OTD was at the TFFFriday, May 26, 2006, 09:49 pm
You can't spell gallery without galley. And that's what we did with these pictures. We put these in the belly of a pirate ship for three weeks. And let 'em season there. Delicious.
Tribeca Film Festival 2006
Saturn Filmmaker's PartyFriday, May 26, 2006, 05:20 pm
It doesn't surprise me that Saturn, a car company most often associated with boredom, would try to revamp their image. According to one man's theory, Saturn's rings were formed when the planet partied so hard it puked up massive amounts of dust and ice. So, I guess the car company just wants to live up to its namesake. And if the new 2007 Saturn Sky and their filmmakers party is any indication, they are doing a good job.
More>>
Jesus Camp and War TapesThursday, May 25, 2006, 11:30 pm
Apparently, the logical follow up after viewing a documentary about fanatical youth warriors in Christ's army or the everyday perils of fighting in Iraq is ... a champagne party! Shortly after the premieres of Jesus Camp and War Tapes, with images of roadside bombs and fire and brimstone speeches still burning fresh in the memory, the audience heads straight to the Bubble Lounge, a champagne bar where everyone could revel in the shared knowledge that they were rich and safe. Far, far, removed from the issues chronicled in the films that were just screened. Thank goodness for that.
More>>
ArrivalMonday, May 22, 2006, 10:52 pm
I arrive in New York at JFK at six in the morning. I'm excited to see a limo driver holding a name placard that reads "H. Baller." I am severely disappointed when a woman with a Midwestern accent approaches the man and says, "Hi, I'm Heather Baller." I was totally expecting a guy named "Huge Baller" or possibly "Hugh G. Baller" to show up. You know, some guy, roughly about 6 foot 10, that would be quickly ushered into a stretch Rolls Royce that would simply drive him to another airport - one just for ballers. Alas, I imagine Heather Baller just went off to go sightseeing, maybe take in the view from the Empire State Building. What a bitch, I hate her for ruining my fantasies about people who live large, and/or in charge.
More>>
In the beginning there was this guy...Saturday, May 20, 2006, 07:59 pm
I should have been led away from this Fortune 500 Company in handcuffs; instead I was promoted. That's the result of knowing the tricks of the trade. Playing a part. Taking what's rightfully yours. Going where you really belong. Knowing your mark.
More>>
This is pretty self explanatory. Some of our nation's most brilliant engineering minds have teamed up to make a ... bartending robot. Really though, this is good news. Now we dont have to wait until the year 3000 to get a nice blend of robot and hard liquor. Bender would be proud.
"I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much."Wednesday, September 20, 2006, 10:48 am
Without beer and alcoholic beverages life would be pretty boring. Think about it. How often do the best stories begin with, "Ok, so I was pretty fucked up..." Case in point, Zhang Xinyan. Like anyone attending a zoo, Zhang just wanted to pet a giant panda, but, unlike everyone else, Zhang was four jugs of beer deep. Those four jugs gave the Chinese man the courage to live the true American dream: hugging a real, live panda. Yes, he was bitten on both legs after rousing the sleeping bear. But that merely meant the realization of another dream: biting a bear. Zhang did precisely that, chomping on the Panda's back. Zhang is my hero. And it's not just because he's an alcoholic panda petter. It's because he has has a story that begins, "Oh, those scars? So, I was pretty fucked up and there was this panda..."[Gu Gu the panda is in shock]
Drink 'til you can writeTuesday, September 19, 2006, 08:50 am
In order to write a great country western song (according to one singing legend) you're obligated to mention a majority of the following: trucks, momma, trains, prison and being drunk. Really, all great songs have their roots in simply being drunk ... or the desperate need to get drunk (all those songs you thought were about love? Nope, just about beer.) To prove my point, take a couple of key points out of this story, and you'll undoubtedly have a soulful hit on your hands in no time: Well, I tried to steal a couple beers in Guerneville, Caliiiii.
Ended up wet and naked in the Russian River, Naturallyyyyy
But before I could get to the other side, and avoid the CHPeeeee
Got caught in a vortex, then caught by the local deputiiieeees
Yessiree.
[Naked Liquor Thief Caught in Vortex]
Sheck Please!Wednesday, September 13, 2006, 06:34 pm
Nothing's worse than expecting something sweet and then getting the
opposite. Like when you take a big swig of what you think is root beer,
and it turns out to be milk? Terrible. Albeit this isn't a very common
occurrence (it happened to me once in 3rd grade), it proves a point:
unwelcomed surprises are unwelcomed. (Well, that, and something about how the dairy industry's 'does a body good' campaign was so effective that it forced my mom pull a fast one on me.) The same applies for websites.
When you're promised something incredibly helpful and cool, it's a pain
in the ass to get the opposite. See what i mean...
Big Dangerous Bouncers are Big, DangerousFriday, August 25, 2006, 08:47 am
Mayor "Money Bags" Bloomberg has signed a bill that should put some New Yorkers' minds at ease. If effective, it will ensure that nightclub bouncers aren't also moonlighting as murderous criminals. Under the new law, nightlife venue owners must make sure their doormen undergo background checks and training, under penalty of law. Bloomberg said, "If cabarets fail to comply, their cabaret licenses will be in jeopardy." The mayor then proceeded to take his 1920's lingo and board his autogiro, which, according to experts, can travel up to eight aeronautical miles on a single quart of corn oil. The new law comes as a response to the grisly murder of Imette St. Guillen, in which a bouncer is the top suspect. While many cheered the new precautions, which the general public sees as long overdue, others were not so happy. Brian "Bone Saw" Bronson, a doorman and Gulf War veteran noted, "This makes Bone Saw very angry. Bone Sawwww!!!" He added, "We're at capacity. No entry."
The new law merely adds to preexisting bouncer requirements which include:
- The ability to effectively pass as a tree trunk
- The raw power to crush a solid block of ice in one blow, Karate Kid style.
- The ability to let good-looking women cut the line. Bitches.
- Their guns must be registered with the Department of T&A. Come on sweetheart, touch 'em.
- Must be able to multitask: hold a clipboard, sit on a stool and maintain a steady blank gaze.
Sir, there's something technologically advanced in my drinkWednesday, August 23, 2006, 01:33 pm
Are you upset when your drink doesn't have enough alcohol to make you blind? Have you always wanted to call out a bartender for making you a weak drink, and you know it, because you are an alcoholic? Well, then this device is for you: a portable alcohol tester. Just slip it in your drink and little color-coded rings will reveal the alcohol content of the beverage. If you are ready to accept the odd looks that come with sticking some crazy beeping/blinking thing in your libation of choice, then you're all set. Just have a witty response ready for when someone asks if you are a Martian/Conehead/Asshole. The cheaper version, an electronic thermometer combined with belligerence, is also available.
[Might want to learn Japanese first...]
Teacher, why do you make God cry?Friday, August 18, 2006, 04:14 pm
In case you were wondering, the fine for being a middle school teacher, drinking on the job and then lying about it is thirty dollars. Maybe Cynthia B. White could have gotten it down to a Hamilton if she had accepted a plea bargain. The 19-year veteran had been reported to school officials after behaving strangely. Though the school district is keeping mum on what this behavior was, here are our top five guesses:
- Issuing a paddlin' in response to being called Cynthia B. Lidgerent.
- Thinking that Little Jimmy is doable. Please, he totally isn't. He smells.
- Telling her class that she really loves them, and then crying. And then laughing, and then crying and calling Little Jimmy at three in the morning. Why doesn't he call her back?
- Doing unusually well at foosball in the teacher's lounge.
- Teaching Intelligent Design, with sincerity.
The Atari GenerationSaturday, August 05, 2006, 07:40 pm
Let's be honest, the true off-the-radar bar is tough to come by. Good local bars become too popular, good crowds move around quickly, and anything really underground should remain hush-hush. Well, we're going to share a secret with you. The underground bar does exist and it exists with a bunch of old school arcade games. Now giving you directions to this joint in K-Town would kind of be too easy. If you're too lazy to try and find it for yourself, you suck. But if you really want to go, head down Western and look for a gorilla. Then light up, walk in and treat yourself to some quality time with Ms. Pac Man. [Barcade]
American fun for American PeopleMonday, June 05, 2006, 07:32 pm
People disagree on what makes a good club. I say you're not rolling deep unless you've got ham, turkey, bacon and swiss. Others insist that you've gotta have roast beef on there to have a truly rocking sandwich. Really, that's all just semantics. The bottom line is, when it comes to hitting a city in style, it is always a good idea to bring a really sloppy sandwich along. Take one to a happening nightclub so you can impress the doorman with your eating abilities. Once he sees you take a bite of an absurdly large, steaming mass of meat, bread and cheese, he'll let you slide right past that velvet rope. This is a little known secret of getting into a hotspot without the typical hassle. Seriously, it worked at both Cabana Club in Los Angeles and Marquee in New York. I mean, you may have to offer up a bite in exchange for VIP treatment, but it's a small price to pay for not having to wait in line. If you can't afford an awe-inspiring 'wich, you might be forced to contend with the crowds clamoring for entrance to these two spots. And then you'll have to pay a bunch at the door anyway.
Both Marquee and Cabana Club exemplify the pseudo A-List experience. Despite the fact that they may not be the temples of cool they were when they first opened, they're still guaranteed to pack a high ratio of striped shirts, bare midriffs and expensive drinks. Which, of course, are all prerequisites for a super-duper happy fun American club experience. With a sandwich in one hand and a dictaphone in the other, OTD reviewed these two nightclubs: Marquee and Cabana Club. Oh, and don't forget to go with Beaver's Brown Deli Mustard on your sandwich; that shows that you are really part of the in crowd.
OTD OnTheRedCarpetSaturday, May 27, 2006, 09:56 pm
At Red Carpet arrivals you are supposed to ask celebrities things like, "Who are you wearing?" and "What was it like to star in a movie with that guy over there?" Super boring. At the premiere of TV Set, OntheDrink was ready to pepper David Duchovny, Sigourney Weaver and the film's other stars with some hard-hitting Barbara Walters-style questions. We wanted to make them cry. However, this being our first time, we weren't familiar with the concept of "PR." Apparently, it's these celebrity wranglers' job to keep their clients from answering anything important. That's ok though, I didn't care that much whether Sigourney Weaver had a reasonable exit strategy for Iraq.
Still, we got some pretty good stuff. So good, in fact, that a Fox News correspondent tried to steal our scoop. For some reason, the actors seemed more willing to shoot the shit with a couple of goofy website guys than with Blondie from Fox. She was jealous. That's understandable. After all, she didn't get to find out what David Duchovny's favorite drink was.
Click here to check out our first hard-hitting feature.
Proof-Positive that OTD was at the TFFFriday, May 26, 2006, 09:49 pm
You can't spell gallery without galley. And that's what we did with these pictures. We put these in the belly of a pirate ship for three weeks. And let 'em season there. Delicious.
Tribeca Film Festival 2006
Saturn Filmmaker's PartyFriday, May 26, 2006, 05:20 pm
It doesn't surprise me that Saturn, a car company most often associated with boredom, would try to revamp their image. According to one man's theory, Saturn's rings were formed when the planet partied so hard it puked up massive amounts of dust and ice. So, I guess the car company just wants to live up to its namesake. And if the new 2007 Saturn Sky and their filmmakers party is any indication, they are doing a good job.
More>>
Jesus Camp and War TapesThursday, May 25, 2006, 11:30 pm
Apparently, the logical follow up after viewing a documentary about fanatical youth warriors in Christ's army or the everyday perils of fighting in Iraq is ... a champagne party! Shortly after the premieres of Jesus Camp and War Tapes, with images of roadside bombs and fire and brimstone speeches still burning fresh in the memory, the audience heads straight to the Bubble Lounge, a champagne bar where everyone could revel in the shared knowledge that they were rich and safe. Far, far, removed from the issues chronicled in the films that were just screened. Thank goodness for that.
More>>
ArrivalMonday, May 22, 2006, 10:52 pm
I arrive in New York at JFK at six in the morning. I'm excited to see a limo driver holding a name placard that reads "H. Baller." I am severely disappointed when a woman with a Midwestern accent approaches the man and says, "Hi, I'm Heather Baller." I was totally expecting a guy named "Huge Baller" or possibly "Hugh G. Baller" to show up. You know, some guy, roughly about 6 foot 10, that would be quickly ushered into a stretch Rolls Royce that would simply drive him to another airport - one just for ballers. Alas, I imagine Heather Baller just went off to go sightseeing, maybe take in the view from the Empire State Building. What a bitch, I hate her for ruining my fantasies about people who live large, and/or in charge.
More>>
In the beginning there was this guy...Saturday, May 20, 2006, 07:59 pm
I should have been led away from this Fortune 500 Company in handcuffs; instead I was promoted. That's the result of knowing the tricks of the trade. Playing a part. Taking what's rightfully yours. Going where you really belong. Knowing your mark.
More>>
